The Masks I’ve Collected

Here’s the thing that I struggle with most in life. I don’t know who I am. I’ve been so many different versions of myself I’ve worn so many masks that I don’t know which one is the real one anymore.

Since having my kids I decided that I was making the switch from being a working mom to stay at home mom in that mask didn’t fit so hot, but I tried to make it work anyway. But it doesn’t fit and I’m not just that perfect stay-at-home mom - the one who makes all the meals, cleans all the rooms, volunteers and is happy doing it.

Oh sure, I’m doing it. I’m doing all of that but I’m totally miserable in the process because I’ve lost some of myself that brings me joy. There used to be a little piece of me who will have an adventurous streak, who had that impulse to go do something fun. She wanted to be out in the air and just be free to hike, to live and take time to move. To just connect and I don’t know where she went.

And so right now I’m sorting through things and trying to reconnect with her but it is damn hard.

It is hard because now I have to try to connect with her while also maintaining all of the other responsibilities and I brought them on myself. I have to sort through all of the decisions that I’ve made for the past 10 years. Decisions to quit one job and try to find a new one. The decision to enroll and spend money on courses that I don’t know that I really want to use. The burden of feeling like I need to contribute financially to my family when really all I wanna do is just go play and have my interests taken care of.

The desire to help so many other women be able to do the things that I’m trying to do is overwhelming to me and so much so that it grounds me to a point where I can’t move forward in my own mind. I just want to set it all on the back burner and move forward, but there’s a chain that’s keeping me back and what I’m trying to figure out right now is how to break it or at least lengthen it so I can start exploring more of the world that I’d like to reconnect with.

I don’t think I’m alone in some of this and my hope is that my journey and rediscovering myself will help more of you do the same. And also that we can be a community that shares our progress in our journeys with each other because our struggle and success could be just the thing that another person needs to be able to lengthen or break their own chain and then back into bed identity if they so much desired to be.

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